The SPFL is back, and so is your weekly dose of fantasy delusion. If you thought Match Day Four’s rankings were chaotic, wait until you see who’s at the top now. Spoiler: it’s not who you picked.
Goalkeepers: The Last Line of Regret
1. Kasper Schmeichel, Celtic (vs Kilmarnock)
Still saving shots and reputations at 38. Celtic’s defence is a mess, but Kasper’s stats suggest he’s the only one who knows what’s going on.
2. Jack Butland, Rangers (vs Hearts)
Quietly solid, confidently smug. If Rangers keep a clean sheet, Butland will be the reason—and probably the only one not yelling at Tavernier.
3. Jon McCracken, Dundee (vs Motherwell)
The name sounds made up, but the stats are real. His reflexes are sharp, and the matchup is soft. A risky pick for those who enjoy taking chances.
4. Calum Ward, Motherwell (vs Dundee)
Three great saves, one blunder. That’s the Ward experience. JAD likes him this week, and so might your fantasy score.
5. Shamal George, St Mirren (vs Falkirk)
Facing Falkirk, who attack like they’ve just discovered football. George could keep a clean sheet while thinking about dinner.
Defenders: The Brave, the Baffled, the Bonus Point Merchants
1. Harry Milne, Hearts (vs Rangers)
JAD favourite. He tackles, carries, and gets more touches in the final third than Hearts’ entire midfield. Rangers should be cautious.
2. Ryan Astley, Dundee (vs Motherwell)
Not a joke name. High interception rate, clean passes, and a matchup that screams “low-scoring draw”.
3. Emmanuel Longelo, Motherwell (vs Dundee)
Runs forward like he’s chasing a contract. His dribbling success and attacking mindset make him a high-potential pick.
4. Ben Brannan, Kilmarnock (vs Celtic)
Will endure 90 minutes of defensive chaos. But data suggests he might survive. Maybe.
5. Miguel Freckleton, St Mirren (vs Falkirk)
Strong in duels, distributes well, and faces a team that looks like they’re on a leisurely walk. Quietly elite.
Honourable Mentions: Stuart Findlay (Hearts), John Souttar, (Rangers), Ryan McGowan (Livingston), Jamie Brandon (Kilmarnock), Daniel Finlayson (Livingston).
Midfielders: The Creators, Destroyers, and Occasional Goal Contributors
1. Scott Pittman, Livingston (vs Aberdeen)
A versatile player. High xG contribution and strong defensive actions. If Livingston scores, Pittman will have a hand in it.
2. Cameron Devlin, Hearts (vs Rangers)
Plays like he’s angry at the grass. Recovers the ball, wins duels, and is a yellow card waiting to happen.
3. Mohamad Sylla, Livingston (vs Aberdeen)
Data’s tribute to defensive midfield. Not flashy, but valuable if you appreciate grit.
4. Elliot Watt, Motherwell (vs Dundee)
Controls the game, distributes well, and has sneaky xA stats. If Motherwell scores, Watt is likely the supplier.
5. Tawanda Maswanhise, Motherwell (vs Dundee)
A dribbler. High potential, high risk. Could win you the week or ruin your mood.
Honourable Mentions: Liam Polworth (Kilmarnock), David Watson, (Kilmarnock), Finlay Robertson (Dundee), Nicolas Raskin (Rangers), Panutche Camará (Dundee United)
Forwards, The Glory Hunters and Ghosts of Gameweeks Past
1. Benjamin Nygren, Celtic (vs Kilmarnock)
JAD cheat code. High xG, high shot volume, and a matchup perfect for padding stats.
2. Ivan Dolček, Dundee United (vs Hibernian)
Frantic, unpredictable, and occasionally brilliant. If Dundee United scores, Dolček is involved—probably by accident.
3. Daizen Maeda, Celtic (vs Kilmarnock)
Presses like a man possessed. He might score, assist, or run 12 km and get substituted.
4. Andrew Winter, Livingston (vs Aberdeen)
Underrated and hard-working. Aberdeen’s defence is weak, and Winter is ready to take advantage.
5. Cláudio Braga, Hearts (vs Rangers)
Shoots often, holds the ball well, and faces a situation that could end badly. But hey, there are always penalties.
Honourable Mentions: Kieron Bowie (Hibernian), Mikael Mandron, (St Mirren), Lawrence Shankland (Hearts).
Final Whistle: Your Fantasy Fate Awaits
So there you have it—Matchday 5’s fantasy rankings, built on useless data, tactical insights, and a good dose of despair. Whether you’re chasing glory or just trying to avoid another 28-point disaster, these picks are your best chance at staying relevant.
Agree? Think we’ve overlooked your club’s unsung hero? Or just want to complain about your captain failing again? Drop a comment. We’ll be here next week – same spreadsheet, same struggles.
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