Welcome to Gameweek 8, where being optimistic will only lead you to lose and every transfer will be regretted later. The rankings of this week are given to you by “Just Another Defeat”the only place where tactical analysis and emotional detachment co-exist. We have looked through the matches, not taken the hype into account, and ranked the players according to their probability of breaking the fans’ hearts in the most inventive ways.
If you are a green arrow chaser or just trying to stay afloat in the madness, this is your guide to who will let you down most effectively. Top 10s get the full treatment. Everyone else gets the short, sharp truth.
GOALKEEPERS
We have made the top 10 a ritual, with the two goalkeepers Nick Pope (Newcastle) and Robin Roefs (Sunderland) sharing the first place, both ready to pile up saves in matches that will nonetheless end in disappointment. Gianluigi Donnarumma (Man City) is 6th in the standings, which seems quite fitting, whereas Senne Lammens is shockingly placed 3rd as Manchester Utd play against Liverpool.
11–15: Henderson (Palace), Dúbravka (Burnley), Darlow (Leeds), Areola (West Ham), Martínez (Villa).
DEFENDERS
Here is your Game Week 8 Defenders Rankings that goes deep into realms of misplaced optimism and shared misery. The top 10 has given us Gabriel and Timber as Arsenal’s twin pillars of false hope. On top of that, we place three Newcastle Utd defenders in the top 10, just to confuse you.
11–15: Nunes (City), Keane (Everton), Calafiori (Arsenal), Maguire (Man Utd), O’Reilly (City). Rotation risks, tactical confusion, and nostalgic pain. You’ll talk yourself into one. You shouldn’t.
MIDFIELDERS
Midfielders in Gameweek 8 are a mixture of disorder, tactical rigor, and deceptive promise. At the forefront, Semenyo dazzles with sheer potential and total unpredictability, whereas Rice provides the sort of boring and safe choice which will no doubt yield just 3 points and a void in your emotions.
Doku and Kudus only make sense if you’re thinking of the odd brilliant moment in clip form. What about the rest of the pack? Probably the ones to bicker over being standard bench fodder, sentimental picks, and the kinds of decisions that will haunt you come Sunday evening.
11–18: Longstaff, Stach (Leeds), Iwobi (Fulham), Bruno G (Newcastle), Estêvão, Enzo (Chelsea), Grealish, Ndiaye (Everton). Each one is a trap disguised as a differential. You’ll pick one. You’ll suffer.
FORWARDS
Haaland sits atop the rankings like a Norse god of inevitability, if you don’t captain him, you’re either brave or broken. Bowen and Woltemade offer the illusion of safety, while Richarlison and Isidor are built for chaos and post-match regret. The rest? Nostalgic picks, tactical gambles, and the kind of strikers who score the week after you drop them. You’ll choose one. They’ll blank. It’s tradition.
11–19: João Pedro (Chelsea), Raúl (Fulham), Watkins (Villa), Mateta (Palace), Foster (Burnley), Gyökeres (Arsenal), Muniz (Fulham), Wood (Forest), Isak (Liverpool).
Gameweek 8 is here. Your team is locked. Your regrets are waiting. If you happened to captain Haaland once again or convinced yourself that Mateta would have a masterclass, remember: it’s not about winning it’s about losing together.
For more communal suffering, parody visuals, and tactical nihilism, follow “Just Another Defeat” on Facebook and Instagram. Because in FPL, the only thing that is more consistent than a missed clean sheet is the pain we share when it happens.
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