Welcome to the second season of the new Champions League format. It features 36 teams and one league table, promising more midweek stress than a Europa League veteran feels. This isn’t a group stage; it’s like football’s version of the Hunger Games.
Let’s explore the chaos, starting from the bottom and moving to the more relevant teams.
36. Bodø/Glimt
Prediction: 0 points, 27 goals conceded, 3 scored.
The Norwegian dream? More like a fever dream. Bodø/Glimt is heading into the Champions League like they’ve just won a raffle. Manager Kjetil Knutsen will preach high pressing and attacking football, which is charming, but they’ll likely be 4–0 down before halftime.
Their goalkeeper, possibly Julian Faye Lund or Nikita Haikin, will be the busiest man in Scandinavia, facing more shots than a bartender on New Year’s Eve. Expect their top scorer to be Jostein Gundersen, a center-back who accidentally heads one in off his shoulder while trying to clear it.
This campaign will be less Champions League and more televised therapy
35. Union Saint-Gilloise
Prediction: 0 points, 6 red cards, 1 existential crisis.
Belgium’s most artisanal football club, Union Saint-Gilloise, will discover that playing out from the back in the Champions League is like bringing a kazoo to a gunfight.
Manager Sébastien Pocognoli, who seems to still listen to vinyl and believes in “football purity,” will insist on building from the goalkeeper even as they’re pressed into oblivion.
Up front, Raul Florucz will score a screamer in a 5–1 loss and be hailed as a cult hero.
34. Pafos
Prediction: 1 point, 0 goals from open play, 90 minutes of existential football.
Pafos FC, fresh off their first-ever Cypriot league title, will find out that the Champions League isn’t the place for vibes and blind optimism.
Manager Juan Carlos Carcedo will arrive with a tactical plan that looks suspiciously like a treasure map—full of mystery, no actual treasure. Their strategy? Cross the ball to nobody, repeatedly. Anderson Silva will lead the line, and by “lead,” we mean wander offside like he’s chasing butterflies.
Defensively, David Luiz—yes, that David Luiz—will be 38 years old and still trying Cruyff turns in his own box.
33. Kairat Almaty
Prediction: 1 point, 4 injuries, 1 manager resignation.
Kairat Almaty is here to represent Kazakhstan—and by “represent,” we mean get absolutely steamrolled while smiling politely. Manager Rafael Urazbakhtin will start the campaign filled with hope, tactical diagrams, and a speech about “believing in the project.”
By Matchday 4, he’ll be giving press conferences that sound like breakup letters. Their squad is an interesting mix of journeymen, teenagers, and players who sound like they were generated by Football Manager.
32. Qarabağ
Prediction: 1 point, 8 goals scored, 22 conceded, 1 manager aged into stone.
Qarabağ FK is here to represent Azerbaijan, and they’ll do so with all the defensive structure of a wet napkin. Manager Gurban Gurbanov, who’s been in charge since the Mesolithic era, will start the campaign looking composed but will end it looking like he’s seen the face of footballing death.
They’ll score some absolute bangers—probably from Kady Borges or Joni Montiel, who’ll each hit one perfectly and then spend the rest of the tournament chasing shadows. In goal, Fabijan Buntić or Shahruddin Mahammadaliyev will make 40 saves across the campaign and still concede 22 goals. One of them will pull off a triple save against Liverpool and still lose 6–0.
31. Club Brugge
Prediction: 3 points, 1 away win, 7 games of existential wandering.
Club Brugge will march into the Champions League with a squad full of promise and a tactical plan that looks great on a whiteboard but collapses like a soufflé in a thunderstorm.
Manager Nicky Hayen will talk about “intensity” and “identity” while his midfield gets bypassed like a toll booth. Simon Mignolet, now 37, will make three world-class saves per match and still concede four. Christos Tzolis will score a screamer in a 5–1 loss to Bayern and be hailed as “the future.”
30. FC Copenhagen
Prediction: 4 points, 0 clean sheets, 8 moral victories.
FC Copenhagen will enter the Champions League with a squad full of energy and a tactical plan that screams “we’re not scared”—which is admirable, until they’re 3–0 down and still trying to play out from the back.
Manager Jacob Neestrup will insist on brave football, high lines, and fullbacks who defend like they’ve got somewhere else to be. Mohamed Elyounoussi will attempt five nutmegs per match and complete none, but he’ll look stylish doing it.
29. Slavia Praha
Prediction: 6 points, 2 wins, 4 heartbreaks, 1 existential meltdown.
Slavia Praha are set to become the Champions League’s official ambassadors of heartbreak. Manager Jindřich Trpišovský still holds on to his tactical principles like a man who won’t admit the IKEA shelf is upside down.
He will lead a squad that plays bravely and quickly, but is just naive enough to be punished every time. They’ll secure gritty 2-1 wins against Bodø/Glimt and Pafos, causing an uproar on Czech social media. Then they will lose four games in the most emotionally devastating ways. Expect a 94th-minute own goal against Inter, a missed penalty against Tottenham, and a 5-0 home demolition by Barcelona where the scoreboard starts to feel personal.
28. Olympiakos
Prediction: 6 points, 2 wins, 6 tactical breakdowns, 1 boardroom meltdown.
Olympiakos are entering the Champions League with a squad that seems put together by someone playing Football Manager on caffeine pills. They’ll beat Kairat Almaty and Pafos with chaotic 3-2 wins that include two own goals, a red card, and a last-minute penalty scored by Ayoub El Kaabi while blindfolded. Then they will lose to PSV at home, and the fans will respond by throwing souvlaki at the dugout, demanding the return of Pedro Martins.
By Matchday 6, Mendilibar will give interviews that sound like hostage videos. The board will be scouting managers on LinkedIn, and the fans will demand tactical clarity, emotional closure, and a refund.
27. PSV Eindhoven
Prediction: 6 points, 10 goals scored, 14 conceded, 1 tactical identity crisis.
PSV are entering this Champions League campaign like a team that’s just discovered fire—exciting, dangerous, and no idea how to control it. Manager Peter Bosz will insist on attacking football and fluid movement, which means they are conceding three goals per game.
Ricardo Pepi returns from injury and immediately becomes the focal point of a front line built for chaos. He’ll score twice, miss five easy chances, and spend half the campaign offside. Ivan Perišić, now 36, will add a couple of assists and one goal that deflects off his hip.
26. Eintracht Frankfurt
Prediction: 7 points, 3 red cards, 1 tactical meltdown, and a beer-fueled coping strategy.
Eintracht Frankfurt are entering the Champions League with a squad that suggests “we might be good…but probably won’t be.” Manager Dino Toppmöller will kick off the campaign with a 4-2-3-1 that looks neat on paper, but by Matchday 3 it’ll resemble a Jackson Pollock painting—chaotic, abstract, and somehow still considered art.
The flanks will be led by Ritsu Doan and Jean-Mattéo Bahoya, who’ll combine for five moments of brilliance and seventeen moments of “what was that?” Their highlight? A 2-2 draw with Tottenham.
By Matchday 5, fans will drink like its Oktoberfest, and Toppmöller will give interviews that sound like philosophical riddles.
25. Galatasaray
Prediction: 7 points, Osimhen limping through it, Icardi missing everything but the team bus.
Manager Okan Buruk insists they’re “building something,” but unless that something is a defensive sieve, it’s not going well. Victor Osimhen, fresh off an ankle injury, will hobble through matches like a war hero—scoring twice, grimacing through pain, and still being their most dangerous player. Mauro Icardi will miss five easy chances, two headers, and one open goal while keeping the confidence of someone who’s never seen a mirror he didn’t like.
Leroy Sané will look electric for 20 minutes per match before vanishing into thin air.
24. Sporting CP
Prediction: 8 points, 1 wonderkid sold mid-tournament, 3 midfielders emotionally scarred.
Sporting CP will start their Champions League campaign with determination, pressing high, passing cleanly, and seeming as if they truly belong. Manager Rui Borges will insist they’re “trusting the process,” which is ironic given the process involves Hidemasa Morita trying to cover three areas at once while Morten Hjulmand plays quarterback and Giorgi Kochorashvili gets overwhelmed like he’s caught in traffic.
Pedro Gonçalves will score a long-range shot in Matchday 1 but then spend the rest of the campaign trying to recreate that moment from 40 yards. Francisco Trincão will dribble past three defenders only to pass to the fourth. Geny Catamo will appear dynamic until asked to track back, at which point he will politely decline.
23. Athletic Bilbao
Prediction: 9 points, 1 glorious upset, 6 games of tactical déjà vu.
Athletic Club are here to remind Europe that Basque stubbornness is a tactical approach. Manager Ernesto Valverde, still clinging to his 4-2-3-1 formation like it’s a family heirloom, will lead this team to three wins, five losses, and one glorious upset that makes fans question reality.
Nico Williams scores a hat trick, does five knee slides, and then disappears for the rest of the tournament like a magician’s rabbit.
On defense, Dani Vivian and Aitor Paredes will be solid until someone comes at them. Yuri Berchiche, now 35, will charge forward as if he’s chasing his youth. Jesús Areso will be booked for breathing too heavily. Unai Simón in goal will make 50 saves throughout the campaign but still concede 12, he’ll be blamed for everything, including the weather.
By Matchday 8, Valverde will be linked to West Ham, Brentford, and “a mystery Premier League club” that turns out to be Leeds United.
22. Newcastle United
Prediction: 10 points, 3 injuries, 1 moral victory, and a press conference full of clichés.
Manager Eddie Howe will emphasize bravery, intensity, and “the project,” while his defense collapses like a house of cards in a gusty wind.
Bruno Guimarães will be the glue, keeping the midfield together with duct tape and hope. He’ll complete 92% of his passes, win every duel, and still appear as if he’s babysitting the rest of the team. Jacob Ramsey will try to help but spend most matches chasing shadows. Joelinton will tackle everything that moves, including the referee.
Up front, Anthony Gordon will run like a man possessed, score twice, and then get injured while celebrating. Yoane Wissa will miss three clear chances and score one goal that deflects off his leg. Nick Woltemade, Newcastle’s new 6’6″ striker, will be offside more often than he touches the ball, yet still somehow score a brace against PSV.
Howe will be giving interviews that sound like motivational fridge magnets, and Bruno will wonder if he can play center-back, goalkeeper, and striker all at once.
21. Marseille
Prediction: 10 points, 4 draws, 0 joy, 1 existential press conference.
Marseille are back in the Champions League with a squad full of flair, frustration, and a tactical style that feels like a mood swing.
Manager Roberto De Zerbi, the most tortured poet in football, will spend the campaign sighing through press conferences like a man watching his dog eat his thesis. They’ll draw half their matches, including a draining 0–0 with Ajax that feels like a punishment for caring.
Fans will protest by throwing baguettes at the team bus and demanding Dimitri Payet’s return, even though he’s likely doing punditry in flip-flops.
Midfield will be a blend of promise and panic. Angel Gomes will send passes through defenders who aren’t even there. Geoffrey Kondogbia will tackle everything that moves—including teammates. Bilal Nadir will run hard, point often, and touch the ball twice. Matt O’Riley will look great at times and completely lost at others.
20. Villarreal
Prediction: 11 points, 2 wins, 5 draws, a masterclass in stubbornness and passive-aggressive football.
Villarreal are back in Europe, and Marcelino is still doing his thing, using a 4-4-2 arrangement so compact it could be mistaken for a family sedan. Two layers of defense, one counterattack every 40 minutes, and a tactical style that feels like watching someone file their taxes in real time.
Gerard Moreno, now 33 and held together by tape and nostalgia, will lead the team with the quiet menace of someone who has seen too much. Manor Solomon will provide the creative spark, dribbling into traffic, nutmegging fullbacks, and creating chances right before Nicolas Pépé sends them into orbit. Dani Parejo, now 36, will control the game’s pace like a man playing chess in a hurricane.
On defense, Juan Foyth will commit three perfectly legal fouls that oddly feel illegal. Luiz Júnior in goal will make 10 saves each game but still give up two—he’ll be blamed for everything, including the weather.
19. Benfica
Prediction: 11 points. Richard Ríos runs 12km per game. A transfer saga is brewing for January.
Benfica will play some of the most beautiful football in the tournament, with crisp passing, fluid movement, and midfield triangles that would impress Pep Guardiola. Yet, they will somehow drop points because someone forgot to mark the six-foot striker on a corner.
Manager Bruno Lage will pace the touchline like a man trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded. He’ll emphasize control, tempo, and smart transitions, while his defense sometimes falls into chaos. The squad has talent, but struggles with consistency.
Richard Ríos will be everywhere—pressing, passing, tackling, and likely selling matchday programs at halftime. He’ll run 12km per game and still be the only one sprinting in the 89th minute. Fredrik Aursnes will quietly control the tempo while Enzo Barrenechea attempts ambitious passes to players who aren’t ready.
Defensively, Tomás Araújo will stand out—reading the game like a book and tackling like a librarian protecting rare books. He’ll earn a €40 million move to Aston Villa in January, and Benfica fans will pretend to be happy for him while quietly sobbing into their scarves. Nicolás Otamendi, now 37, will still be yelling at everyone, including the ball.
18. AS Monaco
Prediction: 12 points. Balogun scores 4 and misses 6; tactical confusion is at play.
AS Monaco are the Champions League’s official agents of confusion. They’ll win four matches, lose four, and leave everyone, including themselves, wondering what just happened. Manager Adi Hütter will rotate between a 4-2-3-1, a 3-4-2-1, and what looks like a tactical sketch drawn by a toddler with crayons.
Folarin Balogun will be the star—scoring four goals, including two against Slavia Praha, and then missing three easy chances that will be analyzed in psychology textbooks. He’ll celebrate like he’s won the Ballon d’Or, then trip over the ball in the next match.
Supporting cast? Maghnes Akliouche will look like a €60 million winger for 20 minutes per match before disappearing. Takumi Minamino will score an incredible goal and then try to recreate it from 40 yards for the rest of the campaign.
Aleksandr Golovin will thread passes through nonexistent defenders, and Paul Pogba – yes, he’s still here – will play 15 minutes, get booked, and post a mysterious Instagram story. They’ll qualify for the playoffs with 12 points, a goal difference of -1, and a tactical identity crisis.
17. Borussia Dortmund
Prediction: 13 points, 15 goals scored, 12 conceded, vibes only, tactical regret is guaranteed.
Borussia Dortmund are back in the Champions League, bringing their usual mix of chaos, charisma, and defensive negligence. Manager Niko Kovač will try a back three on Matchday 1, immediately regret it, and spend the rest of the season pretending it never happened.
They’ll score 15 goals, concede 12, and play like defending doesn’t exist. Nico Schlotterbeck and Niklas Süle will anchor the backline awkwardly. Jobe Bellingham will amaze, making you double-check the name on his shirt—gliding through midfield like Jude’s ghost in yellow boots. Julian Brandt will thread passes through defenders who aren’t there.
Serhou Guirassy will score five goals and miss five easy chances. Fábio Silva will be subbed on, miss an easy chance, and later post a cryptic Instagram story. They’ll finish with 13 points, qualify for the playoffs, and leave everyone wondering if they’re real contenders or just entertaining chaos merchants.
16. Ajax
Prediction: 13 points, one wonderkid, zero structure, and a tactical philosophy written in crayon.
Ajax are back in the Champions League, bringing their usual mix of youth, chaos, and tactical optimism that falls apart under pressure like a soufflé in a thunderstorm.
Manager John Heitinga, reinstated after Francesco Farioli’s dramatic exit last season, will try to restore order, but his backline will struggle to mark properly.
They’ll debut 17-year-old Jorthy Mokio, who will impress with impressive turns, line-breaking passes, and a relaxed attitude toward defense. By January, Chelsea will offer €40 million and a lifetime supply of loan spells; Ajax will accept before Mokio finishes his post-match interview.
Ajax will finish with 13 points, qualify for the playoffs, and leave everyone comparing them to the Ajax team of the 90s.
15. Juventus
Prediction: 13 points. Weston McKennie becomes the glue; Vlahović disappears when it matters; nostalgia fills the air.
Juventus will enter the Champions League with a squad that looks like it was built by a committee of accountants, old-timers, and one person still convinced that 4-4-2 is revolutionary.
Manager Igor Tudor will emphasize intensity, vertical play, and discipline while Weston McKennie quietly becomes the glue holding everything together. McKennie will play every position except goalkeeper. Right back? Absolutely. Box-to-box midfielder? Of course. Emergency striker in the 89th minute? Why not? He’ll run all game, tackle anything that moves, and still be the only one sprinting in stoppage time. Fans will start calling him “McKante” and then regret it.
Dušan Vlahović will score four goals against some of the easier teams Juventus will face but disappear like a ghost in the big ones. His heatmap will resemble someone waiting for a bus. By Matchday 8, Juventus will have 13 points, a goal difference of +1, and a tactical identity crisis.
Fans will reminisce about the days of Pirlo, Del Piero, and balance sheets that resembled Sudoku puzzles.
14. Chelsea
Prediction: 13 points, Garnacho scores, Estevão dazzles, Reece James limps off, and the vibes are pure Career Mode chaos.
Chelsea’s Champions League campaign will feel like watching someone play FIFA Career Mode with an unlimited budget and no defensive coaching. The squad is full of talent, youth, and enough overlapping positions to make a tactics board cry.
Manager Enzo Maresca will try to bring some structure, but by Matchday 2, it’ll look more like a vibe-based democracy.
Alejandro Garnacho will score a stunner against Qarabag. He’ll knee-slide into the corner and then spend the next three matches trying to recreate it from 40 yards. Estevão will dazzle with nutmegs, flicks, and one outrageous assist that makes Twitter explode. He’ll become Chelsea’s best player by Matchday 4 and will be sold to Real Madrid by next summer.
They’ll start slow with one point from two matches but will claw their way back by winning the next three. However, their early stumbles will cost them a top-eight spot.
13. Bayer Leverkusen
Prediction: 14 points, Malik Tillman masterclass, tactical chaos, and one 5–2 existential crisis.
Bayer Leverkusen’s Champions League campaign will be a rollercoaster ride fueled by good vibes, midfield brilliance, and defensive slip-ups. After Erik ten Hag’s record-setting two-game stint, Kasper Hjulmand will take charge and immediately improve the tactical setup, though not enough to stop the occasional 5–2 meltdown that feels like performance art.
Malik Tillman will be the heartbeat of the team. He’ll glide through midfield like he’s dodging tax issues. He’ll score twice, assist four times, and complete more line-breaking passes than the rest of the squad combined. Every time he gets the ball, fans will whisper, “Wirtz who?”
Expect 4–3 wins, 3–3 draws, and one 5–2 loss to Chelsea that makes you question what football really is.
12. Atlético Madrid
Prediction: 14 points, Simeone’s last stand, Griezmann’s final masterpiece, and a tactical funeral dirge.
This is it. The final chapter of the Diego Simeone saga—one last Champions League run filled with grit, fury, and enough defensive tricks to make Mourinho blush. Atlético will grind out 14 points with the finesse of a sledgehammer, frustrating opponents, neutrals, and sometimes themselves.
Johnny Cardoso will be the reliable heartbeat of midfield—pressing, passing, and quietly doing the work of three men while Rodrigo De Paul yells at referees.
Antoine Griezmann, now 34, will spend the majority of the campaign swinging between brilliance and existential confusion. Julián Álvarez will score four goals but will still get blamed for the one he missed.
11. Inter Milan
Prediction: 15 points, Lautaro scores 7, defense collapses like a flan, Chivu ages 10 years in 6 matches.
Inter Milan’s Champions League campaign will be a lesson in false security. They’ll start strong with four wins and 12 goals scored, Lautaro Martínez looking like he’s on a personal mission against goalkeepers. Then the wheels will come off, the brakes will fail, and Cristian Chivu will start giving press conferences that feel like therapy. Lautaro will net seven goals – two braces, one stunning solo, and two penalties where he kicks like he’s angry at the ball. He’ll celebrate with muted fist pumps and a face like a man who just remembered he left the oven on. Despite being captain, top scorer, and tactical focus, he’ll still seem a bit annoyed he’s not playing for Real Madrid.
Cristian Chivu, fresh off a dressing-room meltdown after a 4–3 loss to Juventus, will struggle to hold a lead for more than 20 minutes. He’ll try a back five, then a back three, and finally seem to just give up. His squad will look elite on paper, but on the field? It’s a toss-up.
10. Atalanta
Prediction: 16 points, quietly brilliant, Lookman unleashed, Juric reborn.
Atalanta will cruise through the group stage like a team that doesn’t know how to panic. No drama, no chaos, just smooth transitions, relentless pressing, and Ademola Lookman pushing defenders around like he’s settling personal scores.
Ivan Juric, fresh off a relegation with Southampton that made him look like a tactical mime, will suddenly be seen as the next Gasperini. Lookman will score five goals, assist three, and leave a trail of broken ankles behind him. Charles De Ketelaere will finally show the talent Milan thought they were getting, gliding between lines, threading passes, and scoring a cheeky chip that sets social media ablaze.
Defensively, Giorgio Scalvini will stand out—reading the game like a novel and tackling like a librarian protecting rare books. Raoul Bellanova and Nicola Zalewski will charge forward like they’re chasing rave invitations, leaving gaps that somehow never get exploited.
Atalanta will finish with 16 points and become everyone’s dark horse for the quarterfinals. Juric will transform from a clown to a cult hero, and fans will chant “La Dea!” while quietly searching for flights to Istanbul.
9. Tottenham Hotspur
Prediction: 16 points, unbeaten but 9th, Tel misses out, Richarlison vibes, and Thomas Frank earns tactical applause.
Tottenham will do the most Tottenham thing possible: go unbeaten in the group stage and still finish 9th. This campaign will be marked by stylish football, missed opportunities, and a unique frustration that only Spurs can deliver. Thomas Frank, now well-established in North London, will receive praise for his tactical approach, pressing high, rotating smartly, and somehow making João Palhinha seem like a top playmaker.
Mathys Tel will miss the entire season due to injury in training or being sidelined tactically, depending on which tabloid claims it. Richarlison will exhibit typical Richarlison behavior: scoring a worldy, getting booked for taunting the goalkeeper, and then missing a clear chance from two yards out. He’ll post an ambiguous Instagram story, sparking a week-long debate among fans.
By Matchday 8, Spurs will have 16 points, no losses, and sit outside the top eight. Fans will ponder if unbeaten mediocrity counts as a trophy.
8. Paris Saint-Germain
Prediction: 17 points, Dembélé Ballon d’Or buzz, midfield chaos, and another deep run ahead.
PSG will barely make the top eight with 17 points and a goal difference that seems unusually generous. They’ll play like a team created in a lab, half footballers, half brand ambassadors – but don’t be misled: this squad still has the firepower to go far.
Ousmane Dembélé will be the star performer. He’ll score six goals, provide four assists, and create enough headlines to make Ballon d’Or voters take notice. He’ll nutmeg defenders, score incredible long-range goals, and post ambiguous captions like “Work in silence.”
By Matchday 4, analysts will debate whether he has finally reached his potential or is just good at looking busy. João Neves will be the quiet standout, while Senny Mayulu and Lee Kang-In will alternate between brilliance and business deals. Fabián Ruiz will split defenses with passes, and Vitinha will tackle everything, including teammates.
Khvicha Kvaratskhelia will breeze by three defenders, only to pass to the fourth. Gonçalo Ramos will score four goals but still be criticized for his misses. Bradley Barcola will be explosive until asked to defend, at which time he’ll politely reject it. Désiré Doué will come on as a substitute, score a stunning goal, and quickly attract links to Manchester United.
Defensively, Marquinhos and Illia Zabarnyi will hold the backline with the efficiency of two angry refrigerators. Achraf Hakimi and Nuno Mendes will push forward like they’re seeking rave invites, leaving massive gaps behind.
Luis Enrique, still recovering from a biking accident, will manage from the sidelines with the intensity of a man who has seen too much. His tactical changes will sometimes confuse opponents and even his own players.
7. Napoli
Prediction: 17 points, McTominay shines, Conte plans quietly, and pundits shout into microphones.
Napoli will move through the group stage like a team accustomed to the routine—no drama, just calm brilliance and the tactical influence of Antonio Conte all over the field.
Scott McTominay will be the surprise hero—playing with intensity, tackling everything, and scoring twice from late runs that make pundits say “he’s got that drive.” He’ll play box-to-box, disrupt transitions, and occasionally seem like he’s auditioning for a gladiator role.
Kevin De Bruyne, now 34, will continue to play like he has a cheat code, threading passes through defenders. Billy Gilmour will look fantastic at times and completely lost at others.
Romelu Lukaku will score four goals but miss several clear chances. Rasmus Højlund, on loan from Manchester United, will net two against Sporting before getting a yellow card for celebrating as if he’d won the Scudetto.
Conte will use a 3-5-2 that shifts to a 5-3-2 during the match, confusing opponents and sometimes his own team. They’ll finish with 17 points and enter the knockout stage as the team no one wants to face.
6. Liverpool
Prediction: 20 points, Wirtz conducts, Salah shines, Ngumoha arrives, and Real Madrid messes it up (again).
Liverpool’s Champions League journey will be a mix of pressing, precision, and skilled play—led by Florian Wirtz, who will navigate midfield as if pulling invisible strings. Arne Slot’s team will resemble an engine built for European success: fluid in possession, ruthless in transition, and emotionally vulnerable when it counts.
They’ll amass 20 points with five wins and two draws, including a painful 2–2 draw against Real Madrid at Anfield. After going 2–0 up thanks to Salah and Isak, they’ll concede twice in five minutes—one a deflected shot, the other a defensive debacle involving Virgil van Dijk and a wayward pigeon. Slot will claim “we learn from this,” and Liverpool Twitter will spiral.
Florian Wirtz will be the heartbeat of the team, threading passes through defenders, controlling tempo like a chess master, and drawing comparisons to a new Özil, but with legs.
Alexander Isak will score five goals, and still appear annoyed he didn’t score six. Mohamed Salah, now 33, will score four extraordinary goals, one being a curling effort from 30 yards and another a no-angle tap-in that somehow nutmegs the keeper. His celebrations will consist of subdued fist pumps and a look of someone who has witnessed too much.
Rio Ngumoha, the 17-year-old star, will come off the bench, score a late winner, and swiftly become a fan favorite. Supporters will chant his name as if he’s the new Sterling, prompting Chelsea to take an interest by January.
5. Real Madrid
Prediction: 20 points, Jude walks on water, Mbappé glides through defenders, and midfielders moonlight as fullbacks.
Real Madrid’s Champions League may feel less like a football tournament and more like a movie universe. Under Xabi Alonso, making his UCL managerial debut, Los Blancos will qualify early, rotate often, and keep winning, even with a midfielder as a fullback and a striker playing as if he’s meant for Mount Olympus.
Jude Bellingham, back from injury, will quickly show everyone why he’s the Ballon d’Or frontrunner. He’ll score spectacular goals, deliver no-look assists, and direct play with perfect timing. By Matchday 5, he’ll seem to walk on water—or at least across the Bernabéu pitch like a footballing god.
Kylian Mbappé will continue his strong season, three goals in three games, five defenders embarrassed, and one celebration that will break the internet. He’ll slice through defenses like butter and still look annoyed he didn’t score more.
Vinícius Jr. and Rodrygo will bring chaos on the wings. One will nutmeg a defender and score from a tight angle; the other will attempt five stepovers and pass it to the wrong teammate.
Franco Mastantuono, the 18-year-old Argentine star, will come off the bench, look electric, and quickly attract links to Manchester City.
Real Madrid doesn’t just play football—they craft experiences. This season, the experience will be 20 points, one incredible Jude, and a tactical system that somehow works, even when it shouldn’t.
4. Arsenal
Prediction: 21 points, Arteta’s TED Talk goes viral, midfield battles, and Saliba’s tight defense.
Arsenal’s Champions League campaign will showcase their resilience, clear tactics, and emotionally charged press conferences. Even without Martin Ødegaard, Bukayo Saka, and Gabriel Jesus, all nursing injuries, Mikel Arteta’s team will press as if their lives depend on it.
Every ball will be chased, every pass contested, and opponents will feel like they’ve stumbled into a Red Army ambush.
Martín Zubimendi and Mikel Merino will turn the midfield into a battleground, pressing, intercepting, and occasionally disrupting positional play. Declan Rice will hold down the chaos with quiet determination, while Eberechi Eze will dart through defenses like a jazz solo.
Viktor Gyökeres will net five goals – two headers, one volley, and two scrappy tap-ins that make you question reality. Kai Havertz will play like someone who has read every tactical manual but refuses to follow any of them.
Defensively, William Saliba will return just in time to tighten the backline like Pep Guardiola’s jeans, offering no space, no freedom, just pure pressure.
Arteta will give a post-match TED Talk titled “The Geometry of Belief,” featuring phrases like “emotional structure” and “non-negotiable intensity.” Thierry Henry will nod in agreement as if witnessing a spiritual awakening.
Arsenal will finish with 21 points, top their group, and advance to the knockout stage as one of the most tactically sound teams in Europe. Injuries? Irrelevant. Doubters? Silenced. Narrative? Written in bold red ink.
3. Barcelona
Prediction: 22 points, Flick’s revival in full swing, midfield ballet, and chaos induced by Yamal.
Barcelona’s Champions League campaign will be the moment Hansi Flick’s revival truly unfolds. Possession will be sacred, transitions sharp, and opponents will be left chasing shadows and questioning their life choices.
Gavi will press like he’s trying to erase your browser history. Pedri will glide through lines with the calm of a monk and the vision of a prophet. Frenkie will drop deep, carry the ball forward, and occasionally play center-back just for fun. This trio will dominate matches effortlessly while Flick watches approvingly like a man observing his tactical vision come to life.
Lamine Yamal might miss the opener due to groin issues, but when he returns, expect pandemonium. He’ll nutmeg defenders, score a curling stunner against Chelsea, and assist Lewandowski with a no-look backheel that makes Thierry Henry gasp on commentary. He’ll be trending worldwide, donning the No. 10 shirt as if it is part of his DNA.
Barcelona will control possession, frustrate opponents, and score goals that defy logic. They’ll finish with 22 points, top their group, and enter the knockout stage as one of the most tactically complete and intimidating teams in Europe.
2. Manchester City
Prediction: 22 points, “The Butterfly” formation takes flight, Haaland shrugs his way to 12 goals, and Foden plays everywhere except referee.
Pep Guardiola will enter the Champions League with a tactical creation so unique it’ll leave critics in awe. The 2-3-2-2-1 formation—called “The Butterfly”—will feature two center-backs, three midfielders pretending to be fullbacks, two inverted wingers who sometimes play as 8s, two roaming 10s, and one striker who doesn’t care. It will be beautiful, confusing, and utterly devastating.
Erling Haaland will score 12 goals; five tap-ins, three headers, two screamers, and two penalties he takes with a bored expression. He’ll celebrate with a shrug, post a cryptic symbol, and still look like he’d rather be playing chess. By Matchday 8, his goals will outnumber his touches in the box.
Midfield will be a blend of elegance and control. Rodri will stabilize the chaos like a tactical lighthouse. Tijjani Reijnders will thread passes through defenders who aren’t even there. Bernardo Silva, now captain, will play like he’s read every tactical manual and rewritten half of them.
Defensively, Rúben Dias and John Stones will fortify the backline with quiet strength. Rico Lewis and Rayan Aït-Nouri will charge forward like they’re chasing rave invitations, leaving gaps that somehow go unpunished.
City will easily qualify, rotate players as if they’re in a washing machine, and top every xG chart. Pep will say “we’re evolving football,” and the fans will chant “Cityzens!” while quietly searching for butterfly metaphors.
1. Bayern München
Prediction: 24 points, Kompany’s tactical sermons, Musiala’s magic, and one draw that feels like a win.
Vincent Kompany’s Bayern will be less a football team and more a tactical movement. He’ll introduce a system so fluid it’ll leave Guardiola in tears and Allegri spontaneously combusting. Rumor has it he gives tactical talks to his dog, and based on Bayern’s performances, the dog might just be the assistant manager.
Their only dropped points will come in a 2-2 draw against Chelsea on opening day, where they hit the post four times, dominated xG by a margin of 3.8, and still walked off looking mildly annoyed. Kompany will say “we controlled everything but the goalposts,” and the fans will nod as if he is quoting scripture.
Jamal Musiala, fresh off rehab and moving like he’s made of air, will glide past defenders like they’re illusions. He’ll score five, assist six, and make three center-backs retire mid-match. Michael Olise will be his chaotic counterpart; nutmegs, flicks, and one outrageous goal against Real Madrid that makes Thierry Henry audibly gasp.
Harry Kane will score eight goals, including a hat-trick. Nicolas Jackson will come on as a sub, miss an open goal, and immediately post a cryptic symbol.
By Matchday 8, Bayern will have 24 points, a goal difference of +17, and the aura of a team not just trying to win the Champions League, they’re aiming to redefine it.
Closing Thoughts:
This season’s Champions League isn’t just a tournament; it’s a test of psychology. Who will excel under the new format? Who will break down from fixture overload and overthinking? And who will draw 0–0 with Qarabağ and say it was part of the plan?
If the predictions are accurate, we’re headed for a group stage filled with heartbreak, heroics, and at least one manager shedding tears in a press conference. Save this article, because when Bodø/Glimt beats Juventus 3–2 in Matchday 5, we’ll all need a good laugh.
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