Fantasy football is an addiction. It turns adults into spreadsheet-obsessed fanatics who yell at their phones because some player didn’t score against a lesser team. You think you’re clever; you think you’ve figured it out, and then bam, your £8.0m midfielder gets substituted in the 58th minute for tactical reasons. Tactical reasons? What tactics? He played like he was stuck in mud!
So, Just Another Defeat created Adjusted Fantasy Value, a stat that doesn’t care if your player is Haaland or Hannibal at Burnley. It’s cold and ruthless. It’s the kind of number-crunching that would make your math teacher proud. It ranks players based on:
• Raw Output – goals, assists, clean sheets, bonus points, and the occasional miracle
• Fixture Difficulty – because playing Burnley isn’t the same as playing Man City (unless you’re Chelsea; then it’s tough all around)
• Cost Efficiency – how much value you get for your budget
So yes, sometimes Burnley midfielders rank higher than Salah. No, that doesn’t mean you should make them your captain. It means they are cheap, productive, and statistically useful, like a sandwich that doesn’t taste like regret.
Goalkeepers – GW5 Rankings
Vicario is at the top. Yes, the Spurs goalkeeper. He stands behind a defense that collapses faster than a house of cards. Yet somehow, he’s saving shots, collecting bonus points, and not letting in five goals a game. It’s surprising. Robin Roefs is in second place, a £4.5m Sunderland keeper quietly gathering points while playing behind a defense made of flimsy cheese.
Pickford? He’s like a fire alarm that only goes off after the building has burned down. Raya? Arsenal fans still aren’t sold on him. Pope? He’s decent, but he’s one injury away from being replaced by a traffic cone. And Alisson? He’s either keeping a clean sheet or being sent-off for punching Jack Grealish in the face. There is no in-between.
Defenders – GW5 Rankings
Van de Ven and Timber are at the top, and I swear they must be fueled by anger. Timber has two goals, an assist, and a bonus point habit that makes you wonder if he’s gaming the system. And Van de Ven? He’s defending like he’s trying to win back his clean sheet.
Guéhi and Calafiori follow—they’re solid, but let’s be honest, they’re one slip-up away from ruining your weekend. Romero sneaks into fifth, which is impressive considering he plays for a club that defends like they’re reenacting a lost battle. Chalobah and Livramento are decent options if you like taking risks, and if you’re still starting Nottingham Forest defenders, I hope you have snacks on hand.
Midfielders – GW5 Rankings
Semenyo is the king of midfield this week. Three goals, two assists, and a match against Newcastle that could go either way, a thrilling shootout or a 0-0 drab. He’s the kind of player who scores when you sit him, but blanks when you start him, a true FPL icon.
Enzo and Anthony follow, bringing mid-price reliability and just enough flair to make you believe again, like an ex who suddenly starts answering your texts. Caicedo and Zubimendi round out the top five, quietly scoring points while others chase midfielders who cost more than your rent. Yes, Burnley midfielders are still in the mix. It’s like watching a badger solve a Rubik’s cube – chaotic, confusing, and strangely effective.
Forwards – GW5 Rankings
João Pedro is on top, and if you don’t have him, you’re playing FPL on hard mode. Two goals, three assists, and a match against Man Utd’s defense, which is held together by re-used sticky tape and wishful thinking. Richarlison and Wilson Isidor follow, both offering the kind of unpredictable energy that makes you question your choices.
Haaland is in fourth, which feels wrong. He’s scored five goals in three games and still isn’t at the top of the value charts. Why? Because he costs more than a used car and wrecks your budget like a toddler in a toy store. Ekitiké rounds out the top five, quietly contributing for Liverpool while everyone waits for Isak to emerge from the sideline.
Honorable Mentions
• GK: Robert Sánchez – Chelsea’s gamble.
• DEF: Senesi, Gudmundsson, Lacroix – all capable of a 12-point haul or a red card for a small mistake
• MID: Pape Matar Sarr, Grealish, Paquetá – exciting players with the emotional stability of a toddler on sugar
• FWD: Chris Wood, Evanilson, Gyökeres – strikers who score when you don’t own them and vanish when you do
Final Word
GW5 isn’t for the weak-hearted. It’s for the spreadsheet warriors, the meme creators, and those who think picking a differential captain is a smart move. Whether you’re trusting Vicario, Semenyo, or João Pedro, just remember: FPL doesn’t reward logic – it rewards un-logical thinking. So gear up, hit confirm, and get ready to scream into a pillow by Saturday night.
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