Club’s graded on an 8-point scale of A, A−, B+, B−, C+, C−, D, F (F is considered a total failure)
Arsenal
Arsenal turned into a Football Manager simulator. Zubimendi is the kind of signing that shouts “we mean business,” while Gyokeres feels like a flashy new striker that might not last. Eze and Madueke bring some flair, but the midfield resembles a talk on tactical flexibility. Releasing Partey comes a little bit too late under the circumstances.
Grade: A−
Aston Villa
Villa’s window feels like a reboot of a 2010s team. Loaning Sancho and Elliott is like borrowing your friend’s games; fun for a while, but you still have your old gear. Guessand could be a decent addition, but losing Ramsey and Bailey feels like erasing your best TikToks before they go viral.
Grade: B−
Bournemouth
Bournemouth sold half their squad to Real Madrid and PSG as if they were having a clearance sale. Zabarnyi, Kerkez, and Huijsen are gone. They reinvested like someone who actually read up on crypto. Adli and Doak bring a bit of attacking flair, Petrovic is solid, and suddenly the squad looks like a dark horse for the Europa League.
Grade: B+
Brentford
Brentford lost Mbeumo and Norgaard, which is like losing your Spotify Premium and noise-canceling headphones at the same time. Ouattara brings some questions, and Jordan Henderson is here to teach the younger players about Brexit and backpasses. Reiss Nelson on loan feels like a date that ends with a handshake.
Grade: B
Brighton
Brighton cashed in their attacking players as if they sensed a market downturn. Ferguson, Pedro, and Adingra are out. In return, they gained defenders and a Greek player whose name sounds like a video game boss. It seems like they’re trying to shift to a defensive style without telling fans.
Grade: C+
Burnley
Burnley’s transfer plan seems to be to sign everyone Chelsea doesn’t want, hoping Kyle Walker still has knees. Edwards brings flair, Florentino Luis is a strong presence in midfield, and Broja is either ready to shine or at risk of injury. Trafford left, and Dubravka joined, like trading AirPods for wired headphones because they “still work.”
Grade: C+
Chelsea
Chelsea’s squad is now made up of 80% teenagers with Brazilian passports and 20% players worth more than your local stadium. Estevao and Garnacho are ready for social media, Joao Pedro is back for another chance, and Gittens looks like a signing that will get highlights before he plays.
Grade: A−
Crystal Palace
Palace sold Eze, which feels like deleting your favorite playlist for lo-fi beats. Yeremy Pino is decent, but this squad feels more like a mid-table Championship team dressed in Premier League gear. Walter Benitez will be here to stop shots and set the right mood.
Grade: C−
Everton
Everton brought in Grealish on loan, which is like finding a designer jacket at a thrift store—great on the outside, but it might carry a smell of regret. Dewsbury-Hall is solid, and Thierno Barry is unpredictable. Losing DCL and Doucoure leaves the team lacking strength.
Grade: C+
Fulham
Fulham’s window was so quiet it could have been a meditation session. Chukwueze brings speed, and Lecomte adds experience, but Willian leaving means they’ve lost their last bit of flair. This squad seems like it’s bracing for a long, tough season.
Grade: C−
Leeds United
Leeds did a complete rebuild: functional, budget-friendly, and mostly Scandinavian. Okafor and Longstaff are solid, Calvert-Lewin is a gamble, and the defense looks like it was put together with Allen keys. Bamford leaving might mean fewer missed chances, which is progress.
Grade: B
Liverpool
Liverpool spent £116m on Wirtz as if they were buying a luxury car for a trip to Stoke. Isak, Ekitike, and Frimpong add power, but losing Trent, Diaz, and Nunez feels like swapping your Avengers for a different cast. It’s high risk, high reward, and Slot’s time is tight. If Marc Guehi had been added, Liverpool would have completed the Transfer Window.
Grade: A
Manchester City
The city’s transfer window resembles a complex film: intricate, thoughtful, but somewhat lacking in emotional weight. Cherki is impressive, and Ait-Nouri brings width, but losing De Bruyne and Walker feels like removing key players from the team. Reijnders is promising, but it feels like a transitional phase. Is Donnarumma for Ederson an actual upgrade?
Grade: B−
Manchester United
United signed Mbeumo, Cunha, and Sesko, which feels like trying different energy drinks and hoping one won’t overload you. Losing Rashford and Garnacho is bold, or possibly foolish. This squad still lacks upgrades in midfield and between the nets.
Grade: B
Newcastle United
Newcastle sold Isak and added Woltemade, who sounds like a knight but plays like a wildcard from the Bundesliga. Wissa, Ramsey, and Elanga add depth, but the attack now feels like a playlist without hits. Ramsdale on loan is bound to become a talking point.
Grade: B−
Nottingham Forest
Forest signed Zinchenko, McAtee, and Kalimuendo, which is like adding oat milk to your coffee—smooth, multifunctional, and a bit pretentious. The squad looks ready to challenge for a spot in the Europa Conference League if luck smiles upon them.
Grade: B+
Sunderland
Sunderland is clearly not making friends this season. Xhaka, Brobbey, and Adingra mean this squad has edge, style, and a midfield that could easily win a bar fight. Losing Jobe is tough, but the team feels like a championship side aiming for higher dreams.
Grade: B+
Tottenham Hotspur
Spurs signed Kudus, Simons, and Tel, which feels like blending chaos into a smoothie. Losing Son is emotional, but the squad now looks like an exciting highlight reel waiting to unfold. Palhinha brings toughness, and Kolo Muani is here to set the tone.
Grade: A−
West Ham United
West Ham lost Kudus and replaced him with Todibo and Mateus Fernandes, like exchanging an espresso machine for a toaster. Callum Wilson is in for a final run, and the defense looks like a wild crossover episode.
Grade: C−
Wolves
Wolves sold Cunha and Ait-Nouri, which feels like losing a top game save. Arias and Strand Larsen are decent additions, but the squad now resembles a mid-table Spanish team stuck in the Midlands. Losing Sarabia makes for fewer free-kick lessons.
Grade: D
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